Where was I ?

WARNING: THIS POST IS LONG AND BORING. IN SHORT ITS ME RANTING AND RANTING

So, where was I for the past two weeks???

I was a total wreck.With MIL in kerala, hubby busy at office from 8am to 9pm and the maid not turning up for almost a week. I was too busy finishing off most of the work while Jason is sleeping, and trying to cook with him at tow, asking me to lift him so that he can see what I am cooking. And myself getting frustrated and irritated and tired and sleepy. And that effected Jason directly. How? I didn’t have the strength to play ball with him, when he wanted to. Was too tired to go out with him. Was too lazy to play blocks with him, so that he was kept busy. Instead, I just used to sink into the bean bag, he on my lap, sucking his fingers and watching TV. I know, I am worthless mother. I just hate myself when I do that.

And on to top it all, I have the worst EGO problem. (Hubby would surely agree with me). My problem here is, I want to show everyone (namely hubby, MIL, SILs and my parents) that I can manage very well without my MIL with us, or if the maid does not turn up. I can do the cleaning, cooking and washing besides taking care of Jason 23 and half hours a day (the remaining half hour he is next door, while I finish off with my bathing etc.)

My poor son, he has been the victim of my anger and irritation. For example, I wont put on the diaper on him at the day time. Why? Not affordable economically and hygienically. Unhygienic cos, in the humid weather diaper will cause more rashes. Well, I am trying to potty train him, so started with making him pee in the toilet. He wont tell me if he wants to, but I take him every 30-45 mins. Once in a while if I miss it, he would pee on the sofa. I end up slapping him on his buttocks. He gives me the puppy face, and if I instantly take him into my arms, he cools down and starts pulling my hair etc, and then just forgets about the pee or the smack he got for me. But if I am really pissed off, I scold him and then he starts crying. Its so heartbreaking to see him cry like that. He would come to me, hug my legs and cry. I sit down with him, hug him and try to shush him. Instead he tries to calm me down, cos by this time I am also crying. He hugs me, with his smooth cheek touching mine, he pats my back with his little fingers. I am so blessed to be his mother, but I am just not a perfect mother. I wish I could do more. Be more patient and creative. Be more concerned about my son, and his well-being. I am all that, but not enough. I want to be the best for my son. I love him. ( I am actually crying now )

Well...by the time things started getting smooth at home, it started to rain cats and dogs in Chennai. Streets flooded, no power for 4 days as transformers were submerged in water, and in turn no water. Cant go out anywhere, kitchen counters were getting empty, the water-can only half filled. We were all worried. Some of the building mates booked themselves in hotels before it was too late. The kids had a hard time, no school, no playground, no TV, cant come out of their house cos of the rain. It was a rough 4 days, with cranky children, crying cats under the staircase, stinking water outside the building, no water in the building, cell phones down, most of the land-lines not working. Phew

But during this downpour, while we were cut out from the outer world with no TV, newspaper or Internet, we were more concerned about what was happening in Mumbai. The terrorist attack...

Is it real? Can 10 people kill hundreds pf people? Yes, if they are loaded with automatic guns and bombs. I don’t know how to write down the grief we felt here. So many people brutally killed. The director of the company where my dad works was in the Taj with his wife for dinner with some foreigners. He was trapped in his room, while his wife was one of the hostages with the terrorists. He never knew what happened to her, until he was rescued. That is when he saw one of the decomposed bodies was his wife. What was the crime that women did to be killed so cruelly? What about her children? How are they going to cope up with the loss.

What about the Rabbi’s two year old son? He has just started to know his parents. Now he has lost both of them. Wont he be wondering all his life, how his life would have been if his parents were alive? I cried when I saw the picture of the boy clinging to his nanny. What about everyone of them out there who has lost the only earning member of the family? What about the parents who have lost their only child? How will they cope up? Will the money paid by the politicians be enough to cover their grief.


Most of you must have seen the picture of the terrorist who is in the police custody. He is just 21. A age where he should be going to college, riding bikes showing of to girls, doing night-outs during exam time, watching new movies, drinking coke and having fun in the canteen. And instead what did e choose to do? Kill people. Hundreds of them.

I am scared. Everyone is scared. All we can do is pray to God to keep us safe.